Final Fantasy VIII sucks, FFVII Forever!!
by Kat Aclysm
Summary: Final Fantasy VIII fans will be offended (duh, that's the point). The Final Fantasy VII characters elaborate on why FFVIII sucked so much.


# Final Fantasy VIII Sucks, FFVII Forever!

written by Kat_Acylsm  
Rated PG: For reasons beyond our control o_O  
  
Note: This fic is ridiculous.  
  
**WARNING:** Fans of Final Fantasy VIII (if there _are_ any) will be offended.   
  
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Cloud was playing his PlayStation. Tifa just rested her head on his shoulder, half asleep. Aeris was drawing on a notebook, and not paying attention. Cid was dazed out after smoking an entire pack of cigarettes in the space of ten minutes. Barret was cleaning his gun-arm, Yuffie was curled up and asleep on the floor, Vincent had his arms folded and looked removed (as usual), while Cait Sith watched with interest. So did Red XIII.  
  
"I really like role playing games." Cait Sith smiled. "I mean, if it wasn't for RPGs, We wouldn't be here, if you know what I mean."  
"Not really." Cloud said, sounding removed. He was heavily involved in his video game.  
Red XIII picked up the second controller. "Do you want to play with two players?"  
"This isn't a two player game." Cloud said monotonously.  
Red XIII looked slightly disapointed as he placed the controller on the floor once more.  
"What are you playing?" Sephiroth smirked.  
"Final Fantasy VIII." Cloud answered. "I don't see the point of it....."  
"So you're gonna sit there for 60 odd hours trying to work out why you're playing?" Sephiroth said, raising an eyebrow.  
"Uh-huh." Cloud nodded.  
"Riiiiiiight."  
  
Sephiroth just stood in the doorway and watched Cloud play the game for a while. Just then, Cloud encountered a boss in the game.  
  
"Oh yeah, now we're getting somewhere...." Cloud said sitting up. "I'll use my Queezacotl on this one..... and my Ifrit, and Bahamut...."  
"Ifrit?" Red XIII wondered. "Isn't that a Summon Materia?"  
"No, not in Final Fantasy VIII." Cloud answered. "It's a Guardian Force in FFVIII."  
"What's a Guardian Force?" Red XIII asked.  
"That thing." Cloud said, pointing to the screen, after summoning Ifrit in the game. Sephiroth scowled. Red XIII looked at the screen in wonderment.  
"That's the Ifrit Summon Materia." Red XIII nodded. "So where's the Guardian Force?"  
"Ifrit IS a Guardian Force." Cloud said, getting quite frustrated.  
"No he's not, he's a Summon Materia."  
"Not in Final Fantasy VIII!!"  
"Well Final Fantasy VIII sucks!!" Sephiroth yelled.  
"Damn right!!!" Cid agreed.  
  
Cloud turned his back on them all and continued to play. Just then, Cloud made his character call up Bahamut.  
  
"Hey, that's Bahamut." Red XIII said happily. "But don't you want something more powerful, like Knights of The Round??"  
"Knights of The Round isn't in Final Fantasy VIII." Cloud answered.  
"Bahamut Zero?"  
"Nope."  
"Neo Bahamut??"  
"No." Cloud shook his head.  
"Hmm, maybe I should have been the villain in that game...." Sephiroth said thoughtfully.  
"Surely Hades is in there?" Red XIII sighed.   
"No." Cloud answered. "In fact, there's no Materia at all in Final Fantasy VIII."  
"What??" Red XIII wondered. "Then how else do you win!?"  
"This game has a Junctioning System." Cloud answered. "It's sort of like our Materia System in Final Fantasy VII."  
"Only crappier." Sephiroth grunted.  
They were silent once more.  
"Not one Materia?" Red XIII asked quietly.  
"Nope."  
Silence.  
"Not even the Choco-Mog?"  
"NO!!"  
  
Just then, the bad guy of Final Fantasy VIII appeared on the screen, the Sorceress.  
  
"Who's that?" Sephiroth asked. "She looks evil."  
"She is." Cloud nodded. "She's the Sorceress."  
"The Sorceress?" Sephiroth asked. "Of what?"  
"I dunno." Cloud shrugged. "But she's the bad guy you're aiming for the whole game."  
"You mean like me?"  
"Uh-huh."   
"So what's she gonna do that's so bad?"  
"Basically, she wants to take over the world." Cloud answered.  
"Don't we all?" Sephiroth smirked.  
"You compress time in the end to go through Ultimicia's castle."  
"Why?"  
"To stop her."  
"How do you compress time??"  
"I don't know, but you just do." Cloud sighed. "I haven't got that far. Anyway, I checked out this walkthrough and it said that the Sorceress is actually from the future."  
"You know, I was a better villain than that." Sephiroth said, shaking his head. "An insane man in a black cape threatening the planet with a Meteor is a lot more scary than a Sorceress from the future."  
  
Silence.  
  
"What's the name of this character you're playing as?" Sephiroth wondered.   
"Do you mean Selphie, Irvine, or Squall?" Cloud asked.  
"I don't care what their names are, They all look stupid!!" Sephiroth grunted. "Anyway, the one I'm talking about..... he's wearing a black puffy jacket."  
"That's Squall." Cloud answered.  
"What's the 'X' marked on his butt for?" Sephiroth asked. "Is that where you're supposed to kick it?"  
"That's his belt, moron."  
"If you're gonna wear a belt, at least slot it properly into your pants." Sephiroth shook his head.  
"Can you make this Squall guy go to the bathroom?" Cid chuckled.  
"No. There aren't any bathrooms in Final Fantasy VIII." Cloud said.   
"Hmm, 60 hours worth of gameplay and not one bathroom in sight...." Sephiroth thought. "Maybe it's a good idea I stayed in Final Fantasy VII after all...."  
"Look, will you all jusy shut up and let me play??" Cloud said, losing his temper. "This boss is quite hard, you know!!"  
"Is it as hard as the Demon Gate back in The Temple of the Ancients??" Aeris asked.  
"Be quiet!!!" Cloud growled, as the boss took out one of his characters. "Great, now I have to use a Phoenix Down! Thanks a lot!!"  
"What's the big deal about having to use a Phoenix Down??" Red XIII asked. "They're obtainable from every town on the World Map....."  
"Not in..."  
"Lemme guess." Cid sighed. "Not in Final Fantasy VIII."  
"Uh-huh..." Cloud nodded.   
  
Just then, he killed the boss he was fighting. He jumped up and started to cheer in much the same fashion as the characters on the screen.  
"Yay! I killed the sorceress!!" Cloud cheered.  
"So?"  
Just then, the grey screen came up and the EXP began to add up. But there was no EXP to add up.  
"Huh!?" Cid snorted. "You just spent 10 minutes trying to kill that boss and you didn't get any experience points for it!"  
"That's because it was a boss." Cloud said.  
"So what?? After I killed that damn Emerald Weapon in FFVII, I got 60000 EXP for it!!!"  
"No boss gives you EXP in Final Fantasy VIII."  
"Tightwads." Sephiroth snorted. "This game is getting worse by the minute."  
  
"Excuse me Cloud, I have been watching you play this for a while now...." Red XIII spoke up. "And every time you encounter an enemy, It's level is roughly the same as your character's."  
"That's because enemies level up as you do." Cloud answered.  
"But that defeats to whole purpose of even having levels!"  
  
"You just don't appreciate a newer Final Fantasy!!!" Cloud yelled. "You guys didn't like the change from VII to VIII so you complain like this!!"  
"Cloud, Cloud Cloud...." Cid chuckled. "I love playing new Final Fantasies. My fave one happens to be that one with that Faris chick in it. I'm looking forward to FFIX with much anticipation. But my fave of all is FFVII."  
"So why don't you play FFVIII?"  
"If you like Final Fantasies, then go play them." Cid nodded. "I like Final Fantasies, but Why on earth would I want to play a crap one??"  
"Yeah Cloud, play a better game." Tifa nodded.  
"Alright!!" Cloud yelled, turning his PlayStation off. "I'll stop playing Final Fantasy VIII!! Just shut up!!"  
"Good."  
"I wasted 4000 gil on it, because I thought it would be good."  
"Well you gotta learn sometime." Cid laughed, patting him on the back. "Welcome back to reality."  
"Besides, I don't paticularly like it anyway." Cloud admitted. "That Squall character owes me 50 gil."   
  
"So you'll never play FFVII again?"  
"Nope." Cloud nodded. "I'm gonna stick to FFVII till FFIX comes out."  
"That's good, then you won't be needing this." Cid chuckled, and hurled the game out the window. It flew across the street and into the apartment across the street.  
  
Meanwhile, in that apartment, Squall, Rinoa, Zell and Seifer were sitting in front of their TV playing Final Fantasy VIII.  
  
"I love this game so much." Zell laughed.  
"I want it to be the death of me." Squall said. Just then, a copy of Final Fantasy VIII smashed through the window and lodged itself in Squall's head. He collapsed on the rug.  
"Squall?!?!" Rinoa squeaked. "Speak to me!!"  
"Well, Squall said he wanted FFVIII to be the death of him." Seifer chuckled. "The bastard got his wish."  
  


* * *

END

* * *

I have a confession to make. There IS a Final Fantasy VIII chracter I liked. It was Seifer.  



End file.
